Heart of Stone



IWith lieeverything uponit mytakes bedinside of me
TryingI try with all of my dogged strength
To muffle the sobs which are tearing my poor heart into tiny little pieces
Like broken glass they cut into my spirit, already wounded
Lest it even exists-
And as millions of thoughts commanding me to
Harm myself are thrashing inside my head
As some sort of caged unicorn, some beautiful animal
As such, I cannot call it depression
For all I hear are voices of deception, that are
Telling me they want me to die,
To terminate my fruitless life,
And there is no connection there between the multitudes of tears
Which are so far removed from my heart
So intangible they are that when I reach out to touch,
I can only feel a barrier, in so much as a block of wood,
I could set afire. I beg to differ,
If only could I feel?
My heart is stone.
With all of my dogged strength-what strength? I now ask myself,
As that unicorn inside of me continues to thrash about,
I have been told I am the keeper of a beautiful soul,
Ever so much, if so true,
Why, oh why do the voices which I know are
None but a figment of my imagination
Wish to send me to the lions,
Wish to take that soul away from me and damn it to hell,
If such a place exists?
Come, tears, come, my own voice, that is the voice inside my heart begs,
Let me feel the pain I know is so eminently present
I cannot feel. I cannot reach.
To break down that barrier that keeps the tears from flowing,
I beg that voice inside my head to silence,
All of my life I have seen ghosts, heard voices and felt sensations
That are not and were not real
Terrifying as such, they were and are,
I cannot and never have been able to wish them away?
As lovely as that unicorn is and always has been,
That beautiful soul that thrashes about inside my heart of stone
I ask myself, although I cannot hear above the thoughts that will not be silenced,
Why do I despise myself to the utmost?
I could set fire to my heart, if it would only make me feel
The pain that I know is there,
But one cannot set fire to a stone.
Every night I look up at the sky, a deep dark Prussian blue sky
And count the stars one by one
Within each and every constellation I am searching for my
Life’s meaning and trying to find where God is hiding, so that
I may beg him to put an end to all of this suffering?
If I were to obey those lurid commands
I would do none but ride bareback upon that unicorn and
Ride into that dungeon that awaits me?
If the demons of my past and present and perhaps even my future
Command me to take my life tonight,
That heart of stone would sink deeper and deeper into a hole, and
I would be gone. I cannot feel.
All I can do now is to reach for the sun, and
Feel it’s heat singe my fingertips, for
It is better to die feeling the pain than it is to live
Not in touch with feelings I might as well not even have,
My heart is stone.
I have threatened arson- to burn my own home down, and
Down I would go with it, and I would die,
But alas, I would die without even feeling sad, because
Everybody knows-
Flesh can burn and be destroyed,
But you can’t set fire to a stone
And my spirit no matter how beautiful,
Is destined to burn in hell,
Lest I mount it bareback fervently praying,
Counting each star one by one
Desperately trying to find where God is hiding,
With the hope to save me from that eternal flame?
If I were to ride into the sunset, as in a fairy tale,
It would be my luck that the sun would burn me to a cinder
Only in my dreams I would live happily ever after, for
Ii would finally be in touch with the pain that must be tearing me apart inside, and as
I beg that voice inside my head to silence, I count the stars before my eyes
Claudia Krizay (schizoclaud)